The Avengers and Social and Emotional Intelligence, by Dr. Brad Schwall

I attended a press screening for the film The Avengers which opens Friday, May 4.  The super heroes offer a unique opportunity to analyze personality and teamwork.  Individually, they have their own idiosyncrasies and talents.  Together, they must learn how to share the spotlight and put aside their competitiveness and quirks to work effectively together.

The evil Loki, brother of Thor, has no apparent motivation for good.  He wants control and for others to worship him.  He has no conviction – you can’t have conviction for what is wrong.  He represents all that is wrong about seeking control, manipulation, and bullying.

The Hulk definitely has anger management issues, though he is attempting to control the problem.  At first, we are not sure of his motivations.  He says he controls his anger by always being angry.  He has just learned when to show it to fight evil.

The Iron Man is known to be selfish, but in the end, he is willing to sacrifice himself to protect the world.  He has a sense of humor and does not take himself too seriously which makes it easier to work with him and makes him a more believable leader.

The Black Widow is confident, strong, and calm under pressure.  She must convince the Hulk to join the effort.  She is persuasive.

Captain America is loyal and patriotic and a rule-follower.  He has been frozen in time and holds onto the past.  He has to learn to trust the rest of the team.

Thor has to decide what is right.  His brother is evil so he must choose between loyalty to family and loyalty to society.

Nick Fury is a manager.  He must work with each Avenger and his or her unique temperament and unite them for a common mission.

The Avengers are all very different from each other and society, but they use their skills to fight for the good of society.  They work better as a team than individually.  The final battle scene requires them each to use their unique skills.  They learn from experience that their strength together is greater than their strengths individually.

Are you loyal wanting to do what’s right but not trusting others?  Are you too independent?  Do you have trouble channeling your frustrations in the right direction?  Do you have something to which you are committed?  Do you need to have control to benefit yourself, or are you interested in helping others and promoting what is good?  How is your teamwork?  Working with others involves contributing our talents while respecting the talents of others.

Oh, and yes, the 3-D and special effects in the film are quite impressive.

Lessons Learned From the Film Bully

For the online version of this article, go to: www.coolkidschannel.com/e-tips/bully_film

I attended a press screening of the documentary Bully on March 27.  The film opens in theaters this Friday, April 13.  The film gives us a window into the lives of youth dealing with bullying.  It is no surprise to know that youth can be cruel.  Having the opportunity to observe the positive qualities of the youth being treated disrespectfully highlights the cruelty.  Alex is funny, gentle, and loyal.  Kelby is articulate and her parents communicate their parental dilemmas and care for their daughter.  The intimate view into the lives of the bullied illustrates that no person deserves to be treated disrespectfully while highlighting the complexity of addressing bullying in schools. It is true, we are not doing enough.  But, what are we not doing enough of?  Telling youth to “be nice?”  We need more than just anti-bullying programs.

In the film, we observe complicating factors associated with bullying including more violence and suicide.  We observe serious mistreatment of peers:

• Name-calling
• Physical harm
• Exclusion
• Cruel prank

We don’t see every facet of the issue of bullying as it relates to home and school.  Limited time is spent exploring the struggle that schools take on to address bullying. All adults are responsible for dealing with bullying and we must work together.  The film includes conflict between schools and parents about how bullying is being addressed.  Attacking bullying means collaborating creatively, not blaming critically.  It means being open rather than closed, responsive rather than defensive.  We need to develop a more comprehensive approach to creating safe, positive learning environments.  Schools don’t just need to work harder to deal with bullying, they need to work smarter.

Responding to bullying requires more than just talking about bullying.  We must address school climate, teacher treatment of students, and staff attitudes.  Our approach must be consistent and constant.  It must involve visible emphases and every day interactions.  Addressing bullying is also necessary to academic performance.  Learning does not effectively happen in an unsafe environment.

We need adults who will help youth learn how to give respect rather than just telling them to give respect and who will show them through their actions what respect looks like.  We need adults who will talk with children, not just to children.  Teaching skills for life prepares children for working with others through a wide variety of conflicts and personality differences.  There will always be people who may attempt to manipulate situations for their own gain.  No person is perfect, but others may live by different values.  Whatever the reason, they may not have a kind regard for the feelings of others.

The film addresses bullying in secondary schools.  The content and subject matter is intense even for high schoolers.  The film does demonstrate the importance of not avoiding issues of bullying and suicide.  While we do not want to deny that children can be very cruel, the content is not appropriate for elementary age children. Parents need to be aware of what is happening in their children’s lives.  This sounds like an obvious understatement, but I am afraid that parents often check out either due to a lack of proper priorities or skills.  Take this opportunity whether you view the film or not to discuss bullying with your children. 

Get the facts from your children and ask them what they can do to deal with bullying at their school.

• What examples of bullying do you see at school? 
• How do kids seeing the bullying respond? 
• What can you do when you see bullying happening? 

Encouraging respect is needed in schools, the workplace, and homes.  Mistreatment of others occurs across our society at all ages.  Learning skills for handling conflicts, managing emotions, creating positive interactions, and having empathy can replace cruel actions intended to harm.  We all need awareness of the feelings and needs of others – empathy that is missing throughout the bullying scenes in Bully.

My challenge to children and teens is this: What if a camera followed you recording your words about others and actions towards others?  My challenge to schools is this: What if a camera were recording staff interactions in responding to bullying?  My challenge to parents is this: What if a camera were recording your responses to your children’s discussions about matters involving bullying?  What would the cameras capture among students, school staff members, and parents?  Would we see acceptance?  Would we see support for each other?  Would we see problem-solving?  What are you going to do to replace rudeness, disrespect, or cruelty with respect and kindness in your home and school?  

Dr. Brad Schwall, Cool Communications LLC, www.coolkidschannel.com Permission granted for distribution of this article. 

Dr. Schwall produces guidance lessons, videos, and parenting tips for schools to help schools and parents create safe, positive learning environments.  For information on receiving Cool Kids resources, go to www.coolkidschannel.com.

How Does Your Child Behave at School?

Back to Basics: Decorum and Discipline at School, by Dr. Brad Schwall

For the online version of this e-mail, go to:  www.coolkidschannel.com/e-tips/decorum

How do your children behave at school?  Are they respectful?  Are they attentive?  Are they confident? 

Encouraging your children to adhere to some simple principles of behavior can help them learn effectively and help your school have a safe, positive learning environment.

Clean up after yourself – pick up trash in the cafeteria, leave the area around you in your classroom neat, push in chairs

Respect teachers – listen, raise your hand, only use a respectful tone of voice, follow classroom guidelines, show gratitude

When at school, behave like you are in school – use an indoor voice, walk, only play at recess

Respect your peers – never spread rumors, do not tease or bully, only talk with respect and act with respect, keep hands and feet to self

Be confident – share your ideas and creativity, ask questions, celebrate successes, enjoy learning

From an early age, talk regularly about expectations for behavior at school.  Build skills in areas of deficiency.  Address other challenges that might lead to behavioral issues. 

Focus on helping your child be an engaged learner rather than only meeting the requirements.  Go to museums together.  Extend what your children learn at school to your home by talking about what they are studying and experiencing enriching activities together.

Permission granted for distribution of these tips.  Dr. Brad Schwall, Social and Emotional Learning Productions, LP, www.coolkidschannel.com

Five Ways the Classroom Teacher Can Help Prevent Bullying and Disrespect, by Dr. Brad Schwall

1. Group students strategically and change groups often.  Place students who would not otherwise spend time with each other together.  Give guidelines for the group work.  Affirm students who make an extra effort to work well together.
2. Create a sense of belonging.  Affirm respectful behavior.  Make being respectful and helpful appealing. Watch for clues of rudeness and exclusion.  Create a sense of pride in being a class that works well together.  Affirm the class’ behavior and respect for each other to parents.
3. Give all students attention for their unique abilities and interests.
4. Engage student leaders in helping you create a positive learning environment.  Strengthen those who are respectful.
5. Give everyone involved skills.  Give those who are likely to be bullied tools.  Make sure that those who do bully know that you are watching and that consequences are given because you have observed the behavior not because someone told on them.  Encourage bystanders to suggest that the peer stop bullying and inform the teacher privately.

What Not to Do

• Do not ignore the social climate in your room.  It does impact academics.  Respect students’ temperaments.  Be aware of who may be more likely to be a target.  Create a socio-political map of your classroom in your mind including those who are likely to bully and those who are the victims.

• Do not inadvertently make victims seem weak by outwardly trying to protect them in a condescending way.  Respect the confidentiality of students who tell you they are being mistreated.  Do not make the child who has been rude apologize when the victim wants to be anonymous.

School counselors and teachers use the Cool Kids videos, games, activities, and lessons to teach children skills for school success.  For free parenting tips and information on Dr. Schwall’s Cool Kids resources and talks for parents, students, and educators, go to www.coolkidschannel.com.

Permission granted for distribution of these tips in print or electronic formats.

Dr. Brad Schwall, DrBrad@coolkidschannel.com, www.coolkidschannel.com

From Chaos to Order at Your House

Is there chaos in your home? Check to see if you experience any of the signs of a chaotic home:
• Arguing
• Children not following directions
• Lack of calm at the dinner table
• Homework not done
• Everyone is always late
• Having to give directions multiple times
• A lack of meaningful conversation
• Too many activities, too little time

Use these tips to get order in your house.
• Give clear directions.
• Give only two to three directions at a time.
• Give a deadline for the direction to be followed.
• Create a routine.
• Calm things down as bedtime approaches.
• Include reading with young children in your bedtime routine.
• Eat dinner together.
• Talk to your children.
• As a couple, divide up responsibilities so that you can each do your best.
• Be consistent – do not allow your children to be silly at one dinner and then expect them to be perfect at the next meal.

Creating a calm home environment starts at an early age with the goal of creating a pleasant home environment. During the pre-teen and teenage years, a consistent presence is still important. As parents, we play a support role as our children develop more independence while still making expectations for behavior clear.

Think about the home life you want. Think about what situations or times in the day that keep you from achieving those goals. Brainstorm solutions to move from chaos to peace and order.

Respect in Schools Starts with the Teachers

Marie-Nathalie Beaudoin, in her article “Respect,” in the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development’s September 2011 issue of Educational Leadership, posits that stressed, unhappy, and unsupported teachers are more likely to treat students disrespectfully.  Respect creates a safe and open environment that encourages reflection.  When students experience disrespect from staff or peers, the brain is “preoccupied with emotional concerns” and is therefore not able to “process and encode academic material” effectively (p. 40).  Negative social interactions disrupt learning.  Schools may limit time dealing with emotional and relational problems by taking time to teach social and emotional skills.  Creating a positive and safe learning environment starts with the staff modeling those skills.

Several challenges lead to a negative learning environment.  Problem-saturated conversations among staff focus on complaints and criticism about students (p. 40).  These negatively focused conversations nurture negativity.  When staff converse negatively about students, their negative attitudes about the students escalate and can lead them to treat the students negatively.

To decrease problem-saturated conversations, staff may encourage problem-solving rather than complaining about students.  Staff meetings that address the importance of keeping conversations solution-focused rather than problem-focused can raise awareness about the issue and provide staff with a constructive outlet for their frustrations.  There is a balance.  It is helpful to hear that others struggle with student behavior, but when the focus is on criticizing the child, the conversation shifts from constructive discussion to merely a problem-saturated conversation.

A lack of understanding for staff and students may also contribute to a disrespectful school climate.  A variety of challenges may lead to undesirable behaviors.  Stress at home, life changes, mental health challenges, and bio-chemical imbalances may impact staff and students.

Having compassion and understanding leads to more proactive and intentional interventions.  Considering the challenges the student may be facing leads to a caring, compassionate attitude for the student which leads to respectful responses to the student. Children often exhibit disrespectful behavior as a way to retreat from work, rebel, and obtain attention.  Attention, even when negative, gives children power.  Sarcastically responding to students shows a lack of respect for that student and may lead to the student living out a self-fulfilled prophecy that they are unable to be respectful.  If others treat the student as incapable of showing respect, then the student may believe the statement and never try to reverse the perception.

Understanding the needs of staff also leads to concern and care for the staff person which helps alleviate the staff person’s stress empowering the staff person to treat students respectfully.  Building relationships fosters support.  Relationship-building may be facilitated through team-building exercises and enjoyable activities.  Staff and students who are not understood are more likely to isolate themselves and develop a sense of helplessness.  When staff and students are cared for, they experience a sense of belonging and are encouraged to contribute to the school community positively.

Interactions between staff may also create challenges to creating a respectful learning environment. How does the staff talk about each other?  What cliques among the staff have been formed?  How do they talk to students about each other?

School administrators may build respect into daily interactions without making it into a program by modeling affirming, cooperative behaviors.  Affirm staff privately and individually.  Encourage staff to let their peers know when they hear something positive about someone else.  Suggest that staff send a brief e-mail, write a note, or give another staff person a call when they think of something positive about that staff person.   Children observe the behaviors modeled.  They imitate what they see.  Observing disrespectful behaviors leads them to believe those behaviors are acceptable.  By working collaboratively in a spirit of affirmation and teamwork leads to a positive staff that sets the tone for interactions between staff and students and students and students.

Encouraging respect in schools between students and students and students and staff begins by creating a respectful staff team.  Facilitate problem-solving sessions rather than gripe sessions. Allowing time for the evaluation of undesirable behaviors and the brainstorming of strategies for addressing those undesirable behaviors equips staff with tools for managing their stress and taking proactive steps to managing classroom behavior.  Caring for and encouraging school staff models respectful behaviors and provides support that encourages problem-solving and positive attitudes.  Initiating positive staff interactions creates a climate conducive to engaged learning.

 

Back to School Checklist, by Dr. Brad Schwall

Whether it is going to be your child’s first day of Kindergarten or first day of high school, setting goals for the school-year can help in making the year a successful one.

• Stick to a routine – create a routine for certain tasks, homework, and bed-time and morning-time
• Have high expectations – expect that work can be done well and on time, focus on learning and moving towards achieving goals for college and career
  
• Develop a strong parent-teacher relationship – show support and appreciation for your child’s teachers, help your student learn how to build positive relationships with teachers
• Be involved in your child’s school – volunteer, participate in parent events
  
• Prioritize obligations – avoid being over-scheduled by prioritizing what you and your children pursue, guide older students to manage their time and obligations independently, quality is more important than quantity
• Help your pre-adolescent and adolescent find their place – encourage your child’s interests and talents
  
• Be tuned in to your child’s peer relationships – have friends over, get to know parents, be aware of the influence your child’s peers have
  
• Encourage confidence – affirm effort and pride in work, focus affirmations on your child’s sense of pride in self more than your pride, focus on intrinsic motivation more than extrinsic motivation
• Don’t rescue your child – instead, equip your child
• Give guidance, but allow for independence

Being engaged in your child’s school-life shows the value you place on education and your child.